thump, cry, pause, WAIL

You know that saying, the one about the forest and the tree falling?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, will it still make a sound?

Ya, that one.

Obviously, it will. The impact of the tree hitting the ground is going to cause some vibrations and sound is just vibrations.

But I digress.

What happens when the baby falls over?

This has been happening a lot lately. Someone wants to move faster than his feet will take him. Or he changes direction mid step and trips himself. Or he decides that he doesn't need to hold on who-cares-that-he-can't-balance-on-his-own-yet.

Thump.

Usually he falls on his ass. Sometimes on his side. Frequently on his head.

Cry.

It's like he's just testing to see if you are going to come to the rescue.

Pause.

If he is just falling over for attention, there is no pause. He'll keep crying till you pick him up.

But when you look over and his mouth is open like he's trying to scream but no sound is coming out and 5 seconds go by and then another 5 and you start to think, okay, little sprout, breathe. Just breathe.

Wail.

Full on screamfest. OH MY GOD! It's the end of the freakin' world. But maybe if I point over there at that contraband non-toy you'll give it to me to make me feel better. Really, your computer would make me feel much much better, mummy. Or the camera. Or daddy's fancy chopping knife in the kitchen. It's shiny...

Or, you know, boob would be lovely too.

So, what happens if the baby falls over and no one is around to hear it?

You'll never believe it.

The baby still makes a sound.

Thump, cry, pause...

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

At least he hasn't figured out how to fall out of his crib yet. I dread to hear that.

feeling sad

There's a downside to breastfeeding. I’ve got one word for you: attachment. Not the sprout’s attachment to me, more my attachment to him. It certainly wasn’t anything anyone told me about. The longest I have been away from the sprout since he was born is about 3 hours. And I was in tears by the time I got home. Trust me, it wasn’t from engorgement either. I just need to be close to him. Yet at the same time there is something missing in that closeness. I’m sad.

There, I’ve said it. That one little word that has been haunting me a lot lately, making me feel like a shit mother. I love my son. I love that he has thrived on being 100% exclusively breastfed. I grew him. I nourished him and satiated him and he is the little boy he is because I had a huge hand (errr… breast) in it. And I wouldn’t change that. I wouldn’t go back to the beginning and buy a pump or introduce bottles. I am firm in my choice. It is what has worked best for all of us.

But when you have a baby who won’t take a bottle and wants nothing to do with a soother it’s wearying. Only mum will do. I see friends whose babies happily take a bottle and they get to go to the movies, or get their hair done or go out and get to just be... instead of mom for a few hours. I haven’t cut my hair in two years. And I know I could say to the dude that I want to go to the salon, and here is the time I am going and would you watch the boy. I could do that. But then I’d have to leave my sweet little boy.
So I don’t make the appointment because then I would have committed to it. Instead I spend the time with the sprout. Watching him play, basking in his smiles, changing him when he’s wet, feeding him when he’s hungry and rocking him to sleep when he’s tired. And I am thankful every day that I have a job that allows me to be at home with my son, to experience this stage in his little life, to see him grow and learn and just figure out the world. But then the feelings of sadness start to creep in and I try to push them away. I’m fine. I am a mother. I have the most gorgeous boy in the world. There is no reason for me to feel this way.


Yet I do. Trapped in the circle of needing to spend time away from my son but unwilling to leave him.

psst!

The sprout does this really cute thing sometimes when he's eating. He'll hold his little hand up to his face as if he is trying to whisper to the booby. And I'll ask him, "What secrets are you telling the booby?" He'll look up at me like it's none of my business. Whatever it is is strictly between him and the boob. Personally, tho, I think he's saying, "Psst... Psst... You know you'd taste better with bacon?" :)

food tastes better when it looks good, right?

I like watching those cooking shows or going to fancy restaurants and seeing how they arrange the food on the plate to make it look pretty. I am sure that it tastes better this way. I mean, it must, right? Or why would they do it. I was just thinking that since I am food, that I must taste better too, if I look good. And what better way to look good than the new fall line at Milkface (god I love that store). I am currently drooling over this pretty little number.

Oh, what a pretty dress you are. How I want to wear thee in all your polka dotted splendor. I am sure that my milk would be infinitely better while I wear you. Le sigh. I love Boob nursing wear. It’s comfy and stylish and so practical for right now. But why does it have to be sooooo expensive?

he's a boob man

The sprout is 6 weeks old. We’ve been breastfeeding for 6 weeks. And I think we are finally starting to get the hang of this!

I never wanted to breastfeed. I always saw it as being physically attached to my baby. I didn’t want to have that sort of attachment. I wanted to be able to get out without him. I wanted to keep my independence. Then I got pregnant and something switched. Of course I was going to breastfeed! That’s what you do.

So a few days ago when I was feeding the sprout I looked down at him with my big baby blues looking up at me with his big baby blues and I thought, “I am really enjoying this.” It surprised me. But I love sitting there with my little boy in my arms, his warm body squished up next to me, listening to him gulp gulp gulp. It just seems so special. It just seems so good. It just feels so right.